Stop Smoking Way

Let’s just get this out of the way: As a non-smoker, I don’t think smoking in bars should be banned. That said, I probably wouldn’t miss the smoke in bars, but I may miss the bar if a ban crippled the business, as some claim will happen. I grew up with most of my friends smoking, including most of my girlfriends – who were also vegetarians, which I find strange. I have friends who won’t go to smoky bars, but I find some of the smoke-free bars kind of boring.

So when it comes to most smoking issues, I consider myself pretty tolerant. But one thing I’m choking on is the “Yes, No, Yes” campaign, acting like the right to light up is in the Constitution.

The print ads state: “Freedom to choose; Let’s keep it that way!” above the word “Fargo,” with my fair city’s name stamped out of the American flag. It goes on to state: “Keep our charities, keep our jobs, keep our businesses, keep our freedom!” Keep it coming! The ad also shows a mock ballot with the issues:

1) Homerule charter amendment: Three commissioners cannot change the vote of the people.

2) Initiated ordinance: Total smoking ban in Fargo.

3) Referred amendment: To remain the same as the current law.

I don’t know why they just didn’t add, “Do you think smoking bans are the work of Satanic Commie terrorists?”

On the group’s Web site, www.yesnoyes.org, you can watch TV spots with stirring testimonials on how a ban could tear apart our community.

One features Dewey Litton, owner of Duffy’s. I don’t know Mr. Litton, but I like his bar, smoke and all.

In his spot, he says his son is in Iraq, “defending our freedom. That freedom may be gone when he returns, and maybe his job.”

I sincerely applaud his son’s bravery and commitment, but I didn’t know we invaded Iraq for the right to smoke. Did I miss the memo on switching the war’s name to “Operation Enduring Drag”?

If Charlton Heston were still alive, you get the feeling the ads would film him in a bar saying, “I’ll give up my cigarettes when you take them from my cold, dead hands!” If only Joe Camel were still alive to salute the flag. The ads also feature swelling, grandiose music under the testimonials. I don’t know why they just didn’t have someone turn Neil Young’s “Keep on Rocking in the Free World” into “Keep on Smoking in the Free World.”

Actually, there are a lot of great songs about smoking, some of them even about smoking cigarettes. Like Tex Williams’ “Smoke! Smoke! Smoke! (That Cigarette).” It’s so catchy and fun, it makes me want to pick up a pack. Patsy Cline’s “Three Cigarettes in the Ashtray” is sadly haunting, as is Otis Redding’s “Cigarettes and Coffee.” Blue Oyster Cult’s “Burning for You” isn’t necessarily about smoking, but it is pretty cool.

And for you nonsmokers, all you need is the Hollies’ “Air that I Breathe.”

But if you’re pro-smoking, please don’t wrap yourself in the flag. If Old Glory catches fire, there will be hell to pay.

Related posts:

• How’s the smoking ban rank with you?
• Should Cities Ban Smoking in Public Places?
• How Cigarettes Were Designed to Kill
• New Albany mayor urged to sign smoking ban
• Anti-smoking campaign spooks Springville

Tags: Smoking, Smoking ban